I had something of a realization as I was trying(and failing) to fall asleep; that not once in my life have I ever taken a risk, or indeed ever made a decision that really mattered. It holds true for both personal relationships and life affecting events in general. I don’t know if its apathy, fear, or just a general lack of willpower, it’s likely a mixture of the three...
When it comes to people, I have never once ever reached out to someone, or been the initiator of a conversation with a stranger. In fact it’s a wonder I ever made as many friends as I did.
The first school I attended (Anderson) had a K-8 program, and the only reason I had any friends there was the amount of time I spent around the same people. After 9 years spending 5 days a week together, it’s rather difficult to stay completely isolated.
At the end of 8th grade, I was faced with my largest decision yet: where to attend high school. And as seems to be my pattern, I decided not to make the decision at all. All of my friends (or rather the people who had befriended me) were going to South High, which is also where my sister went, and Anderson happened to be a feeder school for their Open Program. So, I let the circumstances and the system make my choice for me. I never once looked at or considered another school.
In high school I also never made any friends of my own, I simply hung around the people I knew from Anderson, and when they made new friends I would be introduced to them in turn. No risks, no decisions, I was socializing through proxy.
The one relationship I ever had, was of course brought to me by a friend: it was the old “hey, ___ is interested in you, what should I tell her?” In truth I never particularly liked her to begin with, and the only reason I agreed to the thing at all was because it seemed the easiest was out of the situation. It was as though everyone expected me too, so why fight it? It only lasted three weeks, dieing a quick death after I failed to ever call or take the initiative in a single situation.
When the time came to make a decision about college I once again decided not to make the decision at all. Both my parents graduated from the University of Minnesota and were enthusiastic about me attending, it also happened to be where several friends of mine had chosen to attend. And in addition it was the closest to home, meaning I wouldn’t have to change my lifestyle, all I’d have to do is take the bus…just like I always had.
I enrolled without ever visiting, looking at, or considering another school.
And the major? My biggest pastime during high school had been computers, I had always enjoyed the varied activities that I could engage in on a computer...passing time alone. So, what was the broadest major available that was related to computers? Computer Science. That was literally the amount of thought I put into it. If ever there was a situation begging for disaster...
I found myself in a school I didn’t care for, in classes for a major I didn’t find interesting, and on academic suspension for my plummeting grades. I tried to keep up appearances as long as possible, if only to hide the embarrassment of the situation that I had so willingly entered into, but that could only last so long. And so it came to a head...and I simply dropped out of college.
I did actually have a rational, though: Computer science really wasn’t what I was interested in doing, and the university really wasn’t an environment I enjoyed. I would just take some time to relax and focus, like I should have done when I graduated from high school; I would figure out something I really wanted to spend my life doing, and find the right place to teach me the skills.
Yep, easy plan...at least it probably should have been for any normal person. All I’ve managed to do is cocoon myself in my room and push away all my friends to the point that I barely communicate with them anymore. And so after two years to think on the subject, all I can come up with is that it’s due to my complete and total fucking lack of initiative. In nearly 22 years of living I’ve never done a god damned thing for myself.
I have never once in my life walked up to someone I’ve never been introduced to and started a conversation.
I have never once in my life asked a friend to get together. I have simply sat and waited for someone to call me and invite me somewhere.
I have never once in my life held a paying job. I’m so sheltered in this goddamned house with food, shelter, and my computer, and I can’t fucking motivate myself to get my own source of income.
And so here I sit, fully knowing that I’m digging myself further into this hole every day, and yet not possessing the willpower to stop.
It’s as though I’ve let the flow of life push me along all these years, never taking action, never doing anything on my own. And now that life has passed me by I find that I’ve forgotten how to move forward on my own.
Current Mood: 
frustrated